Bothan Herald:News From Christophsis
From Darthipedia, the Star Wars Humor Wiki, currently editing over 582,970,972 articles
In a move that typically appears to make certain strategic sense, but upon further investigation is strategically foolhardy, the Separatists have seized control of the Outer Rim world of Christophsis. It is a planet well-endowed with mineral resources and, moreover, is located along the Corellian Run, which is a prominent trade route. This seems wise because of its resources and positioning, but in truth it is merely another example of the Confederacy of Independent Systems allowing commercial inclinations overcome military logic. It is the objective of militaries to seek the destruction of their opponents military capabilities; however, seizing Christophsis does nothing towards diminishing the Republic’s armed forces. Yes, it has drawn around 46,000 clone troopers away from the largest campaigns, but considering that very few of these soldiers have been deployed here on Christophsis, no lasting harm is being done to the Grand Army of the Republic. Unless, of course, we choose to believe Supreme Chancellor Palpatine’s claim that we are waging this war with only three million clones, a claim that is increasingly ludicrous as we seem to encounter more and more clones every day. Essentially, what the Separatists have done is pursue a course of action that serves only to increase their stock portfolio.
What brings the Republic to Christophsis is their membership in the Republic, which has allowed them to petition successfully for armed intervention on their behalf. However, rather than appeal to the Senate, Christophsis chose to direct their appeal to the Jedi Order, presuming that their participation in the war effort guarantees victory. It is my sorrowful duty to remind my readers that thus far, one year into this war, the Jedi and their alleged mystic powers have not brought us any closer to final victory. Instead, their overly sympathetic hearts, which are not properly hardened for war, have led our armies into yet another Separatist meat grinder. Christophsis has a population of 35 billion along with its economic wealth, yet despite these dark times, they have made no move to establish armed forces of their own. Such few Christophsians as resisted the Separatist invasion have been readily scattered. Had even a fraction of their populace been bearing arms, then I cannot but conclude the CIS would have been badly stymied, if not stopped altogether, in the face of superior numbers. Where are the alleged quintillions of battle droids? We have seen here but meager thousands.
Instead, in response to this, the Christophsis merchant oligarchy has abandoned its planet, and the people have fled the cities. I am currently with the 501st Legion, awaiting the arrival of General Obi-Wan Kenobi and the 327th Star Corps, so the Republic might rapidly eradicate the Separatist opponents here on the surface, led by the hilariously named General Whorm Loathsom. Our arrival was spectacular, to say the least. Under Jedi Anakin Skywalker’s orders, our three Star Destroyers engaged a far superior Separatist fleet in defiance of General Kenobi’s orders. Needless to say, this proved nigh disastrous, and we were forced to withdraw behind the nearby moon while our supply transports. It was only then that I learned to my surprise that this whole mission is largely to rescue Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan!
Once General Kenobi arrived, I was shocked to learn that Skywalker and Admiral Wullf Yularen were abandoning their command posts to pilot an experimental cloaked starship into a highly risky surprise attack consisting solely of the cloaked starship. While this ploy proved incomprehensibly successful, I must protest to my readers that such a deed was undertaken by high-ranking commanders of the Republic military, as if they were common fighter pilots! Placing themselves at risk in such a manner is incredibly irresponsible, and all for the salvation, however noble, of Senator Organa and his refugee camp pet-project! My attempt to convey my concerns on behalf of the Bothan Herald, HNN, and my readership was barred by clone troopers, who absurdly told me that my complaints were appreciated, but that the Jedi were more than able to take care of themselves. To you, my readers, I submit this question whilst I await the coming battles: how can we hope to win with such glory-seeking, adventure-mongering clowns in command of our hard-fighting soldiers?
The Bothan Herald reporter Karohalva.
- "This is The Bothan Herald."
- ―James Earl Jones