Darth Revan

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Yes, he was all of them!
Darth Revan
Biographical information
Homeworld

Tatooine, like everyone else

Born

Some time before the War of Hell.

Died

NEVER

Physical description
Species

Human

Gender

Definitely not female!

Height

The height of coolness

Hair color

Mullet!

Eye color

Shifty

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

The duckling era

Affiliation

Himself

Known masters

Himself

Known apprentices

Malak

"Who I am is not important. My message, and the fact that I can kick your ass twenty-seven ways from Coruscant, is."
―Revan, incognito

Darth Revan[1] was an awesome not female Sith Lord with a mullet.[2] He attracted thousands of fanboys all over the world, and pwned. He could do all the Force powers and all the Force forms and had a midi-chlorian count of infinity. He was a Jedi, then became a Sith along with his apprentice Jawless Captain Picard and hundreds of Republic soldiers and Jedi, kicking ass with his Star Forge.

Then Revan's mind was wiped (like in Harry Potter!) and he was trained as a Jedi. He went around the galaxy gaining prestige, changing classes, yada yada yada. After a while, his girlfriend Bastila was kidnapped by a jealous Malak, angry that he couldn't get a girl despite being the Supreme Sith Lord. He trained her as his apprentice. After meeting hairy beasts, A Veteran of numerous wars, fish dudes (not the Mon Cal), a kool assassin droid who was full of magnificent quotes, a crying wimp and a crazy old guy, he made it back to the Star Forge.

After destroying it and winning back his Bastila, Revan left the galaxy to kick some Yuuzhan Vong butt. He never came back.

Contents

[Edit] Biography

"I kick ass, therefore I am."
―Darth Revan

Born on Tatooine, like everyone else, Revan met a young fellow named Malak and became friends with him. The two attended the Jedi Academy together, but, finding it lame, they left after wiping the floor with the Mandalorians during the great war that the cowardly Jedi refused to enter. He explored the outer reaches of the galaxy, and decided that the Sith were much cooler. And so he became a Sith, and beat up the great cry-baby Malak until he decided to become one too. Revan then decided to it would be fun to be a galactic ruler dude. Malak then suggested that he rule the galaxy. Revan loved this idea and claimed it for his own, telling Malak that "it was my idea, not yours". The two flew around for a while until a drunk Revan crashed into a giant forge thingy. He decided to use it to make ships, and so he began creating an army he named the Grand Kablooie Army for Total Domination.

Revan and his army then invaded the Galactic Republic. After several long battles, the Jedi launched a mission to capture Revan, led by Miss super meditator. The Jedi, with the help of a backstabbing ass, Malak, took him prisoner. A cackling Malak declared himself the Sith Lord, taking no time to make a crown and declare himself the Grand Galactic Sith Man.

Yo, Revan, you're a great Sith Lord, and I'm gonna let you reign, but Beyoncé has one of the best Force powers of all time! The best Force ever!

Revan coincidentally had amnesia, and became known as the Scout, serving with some old guy, who he strangely had never seen before waking up one night as their ship was being pummeled by baddies. He used the old guy to distract Darth Brandon, then took an escape pod and landed in the planet below. He then went on one wild adventure, stealing the Ebon Hawk from Taris (which was later destroyed by the baddies) and flew off to some farm world, where he was suspiciously trained as a Jedi despite being six times too old. Eventually, he had to go on a wild goose chase, searching all over the galaxy for easter egg-ish things which would lead him to the mysterious "Star Forge" (Revan was gullible to say the least). Along the way, he leveled up loads, had some bad dreams, and met a bunch of people, deciding it was best to travel around in a mob of veterans, old-guys, lesbian cats, Carth, crazy droids, dog droids, angry Wookiees, teenagers and Bastila, as opposed to maybe a group of, I dunno...Jedi Masters. Anyway, they traveled to several planets, always managing to land less than a mile away from where the easter eggs were hidden, despite the planets being huge. Hmmmm. Eventually they collected all the easter eggs and they went to the Bahamas, where a bunch of weirdos lived. They eventually escaped the tropical planet and found the Star Forge.

Once there, he discovered that he had been the Dark Lord (although how he could have forgotten that I have no idea), and laughed, telling everyone that the dark side was dumb and he liked being a Jedi better. Then, using crude terms, he told Bastila to come back to the light so they could have children. Bastila was crazy about this idea, and marched over to Malak telling him that she was leaving the dark side "forever foo'!" Malak, mad with jealousy at having been bested once again by the dude who used to be his friend, charged at him. After a long, sweaty battle, Revan kicked him in the crotch, then stabbed him when he was distracted.

Darth Revan Frozen in Plastic

Once again, Revan had pwned Malak. Then he got in his ship and flew away, telling everyone that he was bored after having seen much of the known galaxy and kicking its ass, and wanted to beat up some extra-galactic aliens.[3]

At one point, which is unknown in the timeline, he was Frozen in Plastic.

[Edit] Legacy

While it is unknown what befell Revan after his departure, it is worth noting that prior to this those Viet Cong barnacle-crusted alien buggers were a weedy and pacifistic folk. Their subsequent conversion to baby-baking bloodlust can be attributed to Revanic influence.[4]

Revan's other impacts on galactic culture were the multitude of cults which deified him. To the Mandalorians whose pathetic legions he crushed into the dirt he was Hrafn Hrafnsonn, God of Impending Demise. To others he was a mythic figure comparable to Darth Revan with whom even in life he was confused. One denomination claimed he was spawned from the will of He-who-must-be-obeyed.

[Edit] Personality and Traits

Revan: "Why did the council send us on this mission?"
Bastila: "They were getting sick of us doing it on the council chamber floor."
— Revan and Bastila

Darth Revan was a rude, crude man on a mission. He liked coconuts and loved to beat up his best friend Malak. He was admired by everyone in the galaxy. He had some trouble making up his mind, but he did know that he had a major crush on Bastila Shan.[5] However, she liked Chewbacca, who was killed by the Yuuzhan Vong. Then she liked him. YOU BASTARDS!!!!!! Even though she liked Chewie more than Revan, she declared the two to be "Friends With Benefits". To the delight of Revan, they kept the relationship that way, and it was used quite often.

[Edit] Talents and Abilities

Revan was a beast at everything.[6] It was rumored that he single-handedly destroyed Bogden's moon, turning it into many smaller moons. He was really good at lightsaber fighting and was super strong in the Force.[7] He could also, to the delight of Bastila, do this amazing thing with his tongue that can not be mentioned here due to little children. Mommy, make the bad man stop doing that, its so scary.

The number of people Revan can pwn in one second:
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[Edit] Notes and references

WookieepediaLogoBouncing-Thumb.gif
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Reven.
  1. Yeah, he may have left the dark side, but it sounds cooler to call him Darth Revan. Besides, until KOTOR III comes out, we won't know if he stayed a Jedi. Hoo ha!
  2. He is not female. Calling him female will result in your planet being destroyed.
  3. The Yuuzhan Vong are idiots, we all know that.
  4. Objection! This is speculation and doesn't belong here! Or does it for now...?
  5. Even Darth Lucas said so.
  6. Or at least the Fartfather thought so.
  7. He was not the Chosen One though. And Palpatine was stronger. Take that fanboys!
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